BLACK OPS PARANOIA          (Plus: Robes Fibs)           

                While recently perusing the website, I was a little upset to see Spec's recent entry on the Guestbook Page. Spec fabricates a story of how I was asleep in my cruiser and loafing on the job. Since this website is dedicated to 100% accuracy, 100% of the time, I must reply to Robes' misguided entry. First of all, I was standing tall in the roadway, paying close attention to detail in order to insure the public safety for motorists like Mr. Roberge. I am truly hurt that Spec would make up a story the way that he did since he knows that I was performing my duty as prescribed on a stretch of dangerous interstate highway. While I'm risking my life for the greater good of society, Robes can hardly wait to rush to his computer in order to totally make up a story detrimental to my stellar reputation. There's really no need for this type of vicious attack upon me and certainly no room for this type of fallacy on the pages of this website. This website prints only documented stories that have been corroborated by at least two unbiased witnesses. Robes scurrilously enters the Guestbook Page and makes accusations that are outrageous and slanderous and he should be censured by every member of the Blacktop for his unscrupulous behavior in trying to demean me.

                       The reason I was able to observe Robes out on Route 195 was directly due to my vigilance in monitoring the traffic in the area. As I stood there, I observed a black motor vehicle approaching my location in the vicinity of the Government Center, in Fall River.  I was attracted to the vehicle by the bizarre behavior of the vehicle's operator, who turned out to be Spec. As the vehicle was going by me, its operator turned his head to the left in order to avoid direct eye contact with me. The operator still looked familiar to me, but it wasn't until I observed the vehicle's Connecticut registration number, that I figured that it might be Robes. Paranoia immediately set in, as I contemplated the idea that a Black Ops mission may be going down at my expense. I drew my weapon and placed it under my raincoat for easy access, just in case I should observe The Assassin or Hamhocks also in the area. As time went by, I nervously eyeballed each and every vehicle that approached my location, anticipating that either Spec or the Assassin or Hamhocks (or all 3) may attack somehow. A lady drove by with a baby in a baby seat and I wondered if it could possibly be TLA working undercover for the Black Ops unit, trying to surveil me for the rest of the team. After about an hour of nervous anticipation, I figured that Robes, or one of the other Black Op members, had cancelled the mission since Spec and TLA had blown their respective covers. At that point, I ran a listing on Robes' Connecticut registration, just to make sure that it was him and that my fears weren't unfounded. Sure enough, the plate came back to Robes and, not surprisingly, it was revoked for lack of insurance coverage. Apparently, since Robes no longer lives in Connecticut, but never bothered to change his registration to his new address, his insurance has been cancelled and the state of Connecticut will not keep a registration on a vehicle with no insurance. I wished that I had run the plate a little earlier, since I hadn't made any arrests that day up until that point, but I was too consumed with being a victim of a Black Ops operation to worry about it at the time.

                     This threat of a Black Ops mission must cease. It is my understanding that Mr. Gardner hasn't had a decent night's sleep since his son, The Assassin, forced him to lie to Spec back in December. I hear he stays up all night, just waiting for the inevitable hammer to fall, when a Black Ops team will pay him a visit. I now know how the man feels. The unadulterated terror that consumes a person upon seeing a possible Black Ops member is palpable. Nobody should have to live under the threat of an impending Black Ops mission. It just isn't right. I would implore all Blacktoppers, who may be a member of any Black Ops team, to call for a ceasefire until basketball starts in the spring. Nobody, not even The Assassin's father, who boldly gave Spec a fake cellphone number, should have to live in fear like this.       

DESILVA TESTIFIES - SENATOR DRAWS WRATH OF THE F.C.C.

        On Thursday, March 17th, Norman "Hamhocks" deSilva testified before the Congressional Committee investigating steroid abuse in Washington, DC. Apparently, Norm was ordered to appear after former presidential candidate John F. Kerry, (D) Massachusetts, read an entry on the JosetheMVP website, right after the Band of Brothers Tournament, last summer. Senator Kerry advised the committee that there were allegations of Mr. deSilva impaling himself with a hypodermic filled with juice just before the BoB began. So, live on ESPN, there's our brother Blacktopper testifying before the committee with the likes of Canseco, McGwire, Schilling and Sosa. For those of you who missed it, I'll try to recreate the testimony. After Norm was sworn in, the committee got right to the point. Norm was asked point blank, "Have you ever used steroids?" Norm used the McGwire-type reply and stated that he'd prefer not to deal in the past and would prefer to look towards the future. Senator Cummings, (R) Wyoming, asked Norm how he'd acquired the nickname "Hamhocks". Norm sheepishly replied that it was something that some member of the Blacktop League had made up in order to describe Norms's biceps and triceps. Senator Mitchell, (R) Iowa, jumped in with the observation that Norm didn't look to be the stereotypical steroid abuser. Senator Mitchell noted that Norm didn't have the Canseco-like sloped forehead, or zits all over him, or some of the other atypical steroid telltale signs, such as roid-rage. Senator Mitchell asked Senator Kerry why he had demanded that Norm be summonsed before the committee. Senator Kerry replied, "Mr. Chairman, I respectfully request that you have Mr. deSilva remove his sleeves". Senator Mitchell, with a look of exasperation on his face, then ordered Norm to remove his sleeves and that's when all hell broke loose. Mr. deSilva, as requested, tore the sleeves of his oversized shirt from his arms. The sleeves had been velcroed on so that Norm, on cue, could strip them from his shirt, the way a basketball player removes his tear-away sweatsuit as he's about to enter the game. And that's when the Federal Communication Commission got involved in the fray. On live television, upon seeing the size of Hamhocks' humungous pythons, all Senator Mitchell could muster up to say was, "HOLY SHIT"!!! ESPN quickly cut to a commercial, reminiscent of the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction fiasco. Upon returning from commercial, and after Senator Mitchell apologized profusely for his outburst, things really went awry. Senator Cummings took up the questioning and asked Hamhocks if it were true, per Blacktop rumor, that Norm's testicles had fallen off as a result of steroid use. Norm, without blinking an eye, stated that that was an absolute lie. Although, upon further questioning, Norm did admit that, at his last physical, his doctor told him that he was now officially "hung like a tick" due to steroid abuse. At that point, the aforementioned missing roid-rage kicked in on Mr. deSilva as he spun in his chair, looked directly at Mark McGwire and hollered, "You faggot. If you had arms like this, you would have hit 100 home runs in '98". McGwire, who had been on the verge of sobbing for the entire proceeding, lunged at Hamhocks in an uncontrollable rage. Norm, with just one arm, winged McGwire to the floor and challenged anybody in the hearing room to bring it on. Security guards rushed to the front of the room to try to subdue the now out of control Hamhocks. At this point, there was no doubt in the minds of anybody in the room, or in the television audience, that Mr. deSilva had indeed juiced himself up before the BoB tournament and, in fact, was still using the illicit substance. As security guards were being tossed around the hearing room, two people, who resembled Jose and Mark Gonsalves, took Hamhocks down and began jamming cheese into his mouth. Norm screamed, "No, Limburger", similar to an old Three Stooges episode, and finally order was restored. Norm was led away by an assortment of law enforcement personnel and, after a long recess, the committee continued with the hearing and new witnesses. The New York Times is reporting that, although it appears that the hearing was a waste of everybody's time, the FCC is considering levying a $500,000 fine against Senator Mitchell for the expletive he uttered in amazement of the size of Hamhocks' arms.