SPEC IS BACK, RASHEED RETURNS (Saturday, 7/16/05)

       On Saturday, July 16, 2005, tensions ran high at the deSilva residence. Jose The MVP was in possibly the worst mood that I've seen him in since I beat him out of 4 hours of overtime last month. Play was going along fairly smoothly when all of a sudden it was game point in a hotly contested game. Brian "The Cheater" Ferris was out on the break and began to drive the left side of the lane on Little Joe Cartwright. Little Joe intentionally fouled The Cheater just as The Cheater was about to go up for a shot. Or was he? At any rate, The Cheater flipped the ball up with his left hand and it banked cleanly through the hoop for a score. Or was it? Little Joe immediately told The Cheater's team to take the ball out, since the foul occurred before the shot. The Cheater's team, figuring that it was an "and-one" basket, walked hurriedly off of the court in victory. Everybody immediately looked to Hamhocks, who was sitting in the sun at that end of the court all by himself, to make the call. Being a certified basketball official, who obviously had the best vantage point to see the play, everybody waited to see what Hamhocks would say. Hamhocks immediately bailed out and advised that The Cheater should make the call. The Cheater articulated no opinion and, by that time, a new team was on the Blacktop waiting to square off against the winning Cheater's team. The Cartwrights formed a posse (Hop Sing wasn't available, he was working in the kitchen of the Ponderosa) and expressed their disdain. Too late. The next game had begun and it was all water under the bridge. Or was it? Little Joe and Ben (Jose The MVP) stayed irritated for quite some time. By then though, it was obvious that Spec was back and had his spunk, because Spec's team stayed out on the court as the winning team for about the next two hours. The King, Stigmata, Spec and Billy "Rasheed" Eccles (who was returning after a long absence and played like he's been playing 5 times a week) played like a bugger and dragged their team to numerous victories, thus ending Spec's slump. Apparently, Spec has his spunk and is back badder than ever.

              I wasn't going to touch this subject but, since I know Stigmata occasionally goes to this website, I'll mention it. Evidently, Stigmata inadvertently said something about Hamhocks, which Hamhocks overheard, that has put the large-armed one in a very bad state of mind. Hamhocks wouldn't give a quote, but it evidently had to do with me going onto the Stigmata team. Stigmata said something to the effect that a little height wouldn't hurt the cause and, according to Hamhocks, also said something very detrimental about Hammy's playing ability. Hamhocks says that Stigmata knows what he said, although Stigmata seemed confused by the entire incident. Of course, it doesn't take too much to confuse the Stigmata. Hopefully, Stigmata and Hamhocks will work this out. Although Stigmata will seldom pass me the ball, I'd still like to see him competing at the Blacktop. Besides, where the heck will we ever come up with as good a nickname as Stigmata for anybody else?

           Commissioner Roberge has tentatively designated August 13th for the 5th Annual Band of Brothers (BoB) Tournament. Somewhere on this website I made the mistake of referring to this year's BoB as the 4th Annual. Since the 1st BoB was in December of 2001 (winners were Hamhocks, Spec and Real Paulo), that would make this one the 5th. At any rate, there is real consternation as to whether Kurtis "Adam Cartwright" Gonsalves will bother to defend his championship along with his teammates. Hopefully, Adam will answer the bell, but contingency plans are being put into effect just in case. Commissioner Roberge has instructed Hamhocks, as his Deputy, to reach out to Eddie "Larry Bird" DeMello to fill in for Adam, should Mr. Cartwright not show. That would make the defending champions: Larry Bird, Ben "Jose The MVP" Cartwright and NC deSilva. That team sounds like a one-termer, just like the elder George Bush's presidency. Let's hope that Kurtis buries the hatchet and returns to the Blacktop soon. Maybe, if KJ is around by then, he can fill in for his old man and play with his grandfather.   

THE ASSASSIN SNAPS - SPEC AND HAMMY EAT SH*T

        The Blacktop was the place to be last Saturday (June 4, 2005). While the temperature was in the 80's, the action out on the court was even hotter. When one team seemed to win a few games in a row out on the Blacktop, Ambrose "Chainsaw" Smith decided, singlehandedly, to change the teams around under the guise that he was going to create parity on the deSilva court. Of course, as Brian Jalbert was quick to note, Chainsaw stacked the teams to his own advantage and then went on a winning streak due to his scheming. Is there anything Chainsaw will not stoop to in order to notch a W in his own personal win/loss column? Brian is right. This guy must be stopped and the Commissioner should respond immediately to prevent this type of repetitive action by Chainsaw just so his winning percentage at the Blacktop stays above .500.

             Early in the action, Jeffrey "The Assassin" Gardner, who was TLAless, showed how he has honed his killer instinct. Everyone who was at the Blacktop was treated to a display of just how The Assassin can go from 0 to 80 in just a few seconds. When a poor, little innocent bumble bee (you know, the cute, little, yellow and black, harmless, flower pollenating kind) had the temerity to land on KC Grandfield's left leg, The Assassin quickly flew into action. Using moves that haven't been seen since Bruce Lee passed away and that Chuck Norris can only dream about, The Assassin shoved KC away to safety and then shot a roundhouse flying backkick at the unsuspecting little bumblebee. Although The Assassin just missed the little target with the kick, the resulting 60 MPH windgust caused by the mighty missed kick casued the bee to swerve out of control in midair. As the bee flew uncontrollably close to Hamhocks' pavement, The Assassin viciously stomped his feet approximately 50 times in 3 or 4 seconds until the little bumblebee was just a smudge on the Blacktop and KC's safety was insured. The remaining Blacktop members who were present simply stood watching in slackjawed amazement at the way The Assassin just went off, from being totally cool and calm one second - to a totally out of control killing machine mental case the next. Even KC, whose life had been spared by The Assassin's quick actions, seemed to wonder if the poor little bumblebee deserved to be obliterated into nothing but a stain for just landing temporarily on his leg. Whatever, one thing is certain. When The Black Ops Team is on its next mission and the door is being kicked down at somebody's house, everybody on the Team will want The Assassin by their side, no question.

                After Chainsaw stacked the teams, and his team had won like 10 in a row, the other team (which included Spec, Hamhocks, The King, NC and The Assassin) finally won a game and (what else?) began shooting their respective mouths off. Basically, it was just Spec and Hammy screaming about how Chainsaw's stacked team was made up of losers with no heart, etc., etc., etc. The Assassin, at that point, really wasn't saying anything but, after his earlier display of psychoism on a poor, little, defenseless creature, he could have said anything that he wanted and nobody on Chainsaw's team would have said a thing. But with the likes of Roberge and Hamhocks running their mouths, Chainsaw's team got a little riled. KC Grandfield was adamant that one more game be played. The J-Man and Jose The MVP, both in their mid-70's, weren't too keen on playing another game but, as the true competitors that they are, finally agreed. As we took the court, I actually witnessed both Spec's and Hammy's knees to be knocking in fear of the beating they knew they were about to receive. It didn't take long for Roberge to quit on his team as Chainsaw's stacked team, with KC Grandfield in overdrive, blew away their alleged competition. The Assassin, as usual, went mental, even employing an "amoeba" on the inventor of the defensive tactic, who happened to be on Chainsaw's stacked team. Having The Assassin trying  an amoeba on its inventor reminds me of the episode of "Seinfeld" where George Costanza's girlfriend tells him that she's breaking up with him and says, "It's not you, it's me." George, of course, is in shock because, as he so eloquently articulates, "I invented the 'It's not you, it's me' line and now she's trying to use it on me!" It was shocking to see The Assassin frivolously attempt to use the amoeba on the very man who invented it. Of course, nobody made fun of  The Assassin for doing it because, like Rex Kwon Do from "Napoleon Dynamite", nobody wanted a roundhouse kick to the head, like had been so viciously demonstrated on the bee earlier. Then, to add insult to injury, The J-Man put the loudmouthed Spec/Hammy team to bed when he drilled a 22-footer from the corner to end the rout. Spec was so humiliated that he immediately, without even indulging in a beer with his Blacktop brethren, left the Blacktop to hang out with his real friends down in South Dartmouth named the Cavanaughs.